


Crack Tig: The Spank Heard Round the World

by viklikesfic (v_angelique)



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: AU, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-09
Updated: 2007-07-09
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:39:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v_angelique/pseuds/viklikesfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy Boyd is the newly elected PM.  Dominic Monaghan is his husband.  Complete and utter crack ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack Tig: The Spank Heard Round the World

**Author's Note:**

> This is NOT part of "A Funny Thing Happened..." It is pure, unadulterated crack that quickly turned into pure, unadulterated porn. Read at your own risk.

"William Boyd is entering Downing Street as the new prime minister," the BBC reporter stated as the sleek black car pulled through the gates, the flashes of newspaper and television cameras, made to stay outside of the restricted area, bouncing off the car's body.

"He's getting out of the car..." The reporter turned to look at the scene unfolding and then turned back to face the camera. "Looking absolutely jubilant as he waves to the viewing public at home. Accompanying him are various members of his team...there's his secretary, the American Elijah Wood, and uh, a new man who appears to be another assistant. Mr. Boyd is stepping up to deliver his speech now, the new member of his support team at his side, filling the void that would usually be filled by the prime minister's wife."

"I have just accepted the invitation of Her Majesty the Queen to form a government."

Cheers erupted from the press. "As we can see, Mr. Boyd remains a very popular figure in Parliament, and at the obvious support, yet another smile has appeared." There was a five-minute pause in the broadcast while the speech was delivered and then the new prime minister smiled and stepped away from the microphone.

Gasps of shock were heard and the rate of picture-taking increased a thousand-fold as Mr. Boyd's new 'assistant' grabbed hold of him and pressed a messy kiss to his lips, which Mr. Boyd happily returned, his hands sliding up the man's back to thread through his hair.

"Oh. Well. That was...um. That was unexpected. The prime minister's new...uh...well. They're holding hands. Mr. Boyd looks absolutely...well, he looks as though Christmas has come early at this, uh, unfathomable incident.

"Mr. Boyd is now standing outside Number Ten, preparing to enter with his...his...uh...um, well. He is preparing to enter Downing Street."

There were shouted requests for comments from the press until the door was opened from the inside and the new prime minister, his secretary and his...uh, um, well, entered.

A day to go down in history, indeed.

~*~

"Well that went well as can be expected," Elijah grumbled as the three of them stepped inside, leaving other members of Billy's staff to deal with the press. "I should've gone with the journalism scholarship. Columbia would be a picnic prepared to this PR nightmare."

"Shut it, Wood," Billy insisted. "You knew what you were getting into when you signed on for the job. You're not just a secretary to... I don't know... whatever people are secretaries for in America. Film stars?"

Elijah rolled his eyes and turned to Dom, who was twirling around the foyer looking completely in awe. "Monaghan! Snap out of it!"

"But Elijah!" Dom protested, his eyes wide as he stared at the paintings on the walls in the entrance hall. "There's so much we can do with this space!" He ran out of the room and then down the corridor before running back and staring up the staircase at the portraits of all the previous prime ministers. "Well they have to go," he said, folding his arms. "And I need to get out of this bloody suit! You look sexy in your suit, though, Bill," Dom said, wrapping his arms around Billy's neck and pushing their hips together. "I'm glad you have to wear it all the time."

"They are a bit dowdy looking," Billy agreed, tilting his head to one side to consider the portraits before snapping out of it and shaking his head. "We can't do that, though! They're the prime ministers," he argued, wrapping his arms around Dom's waist. "And you look sexy in your suit too, baby. You have no bloody idea," he growled, before Elijah interrupted yet again, looking rather exasperated.

"Billy!" he exclaimed. "You have _work_ to do! You have senior staff at three, and the Queen at five..."

Dom turned and considered Elijah with a raised eyebrow, a cheeky grin on his face. "He has the Queen tonight, actually," he said, turning back to Billy and moving his hips unsubtly.

"Oh God, get a room, will you?"

"We've got one," Billy pointed out triumphantly, reaching down to surreptitiously squeeze Dom's arse. "Courtesy of the British people, one lavishly appointed bedroom just upstairs. You said nothing till three?"

"Well not _nothing_," Elijah argued. "Just no meetings. I thought you might familiarize yourself with your offices, meet the rest of your staff..."

"You should do that," Dom said, even as he loosened Billy's tie and pressed a kiss to Billy's jaw, moving his mouth over the freshly-shaven skin. "Mmm. You've got your aftershave on, haven't you? I love your aftershave, Prime Minister."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Elijah hissed, whipping out his Blackberry and tapping away at it irritably. "Sir, it's midday now. I suggest you go and change your tie, wash up, then take lunch with the staff and get to know them. You can ride him later."

"Is that a promise?" Billy asked, his tone obviously not meant for Elijah, stroking Dom's cheek with his thumb. "I like it when you call me Prime Minister," he murmured against Dom's lips, only getting a chance to just barely initiate a kiss before Elijah pulled him away by the elbow.

"You need to go upstairs and change," he insisted, sticking out his foot to trip Dom when he tried to follow and catching him by the bicep to keep the man from actually falling on his face. "And _you_... go decorate or something. The Prime Minister has meetings."

Dom pulled a face and stuck his fingers up at Elijah's retreating back as Billy was hauled up the staircase to change. Over the past few years, since Elijah had become Billy's secretary, Dom had grown fond of the young Yank, despite the air of self-importance he often gave off.

As he walked through the corridors of Number Ten, Dom couldn't quite believe they were finally here. For years, Dom had been kept a secret from the public, even though half the country had sussed out the leader of the opposition was a bit of a shirtlifter. Surprising Dom, who was willing to carry on living alone in his flat in Chelsea if Billy got elected as PM, Billy had asked Dom to move into Downing Street with him, in front of the entire bloody world.

Of course, Dom had agreed. Billy's wedding ring came off the chain around his neck and went on his finger, Dom had packed up the flat (prematurely, perhaps, but still, the election was a one-horse race and had been from the start) and the two of them had just kissed. On international TV.

Dom couldn't wait to see what the papers came up with.

~*~

"So the one with the curly hair..."

"Jennifer."

"Right, Jennnifer, she's writing the speech for..."

"...for the conference on Friday."

"And this is a conference for what again?"

"To welcome the ambassadors and heads of state who are coming to London to meet you, honestly Billy, don't you ever pay attention?"

"Oi, that's 'Mister Prime Minister, don't you ever pay attention?' to you, lad," Billy corrected amicably, following Elijah through the maze of hallways he thought he'd never learn, though Elijah navigated them like he was born to do it. The little nerd had probably studied maps before arriving, Billy realised with a fond smile, and really he was glad, as Elijah was his details man and despite being only a secretary, was in reality a big part of the reason Billy had been elected. Apparently Elijah had been campaign manager for his second grade girlfriend's student government bid, and had never lost an election since.

Billy's stomach did a happy leap when Elijah held the door open for him, revealing a rather grand-looking dining room with a table surrounded by staff members whose names he was supposed to have memorised and Dom, sitting at the place to the right of the table's head, looking positively radiant. He hadn't eaten all day, and besides the delicious little treat waiting for him with pink cheeks and a delighted smile, there was also a full spread of starters sitting on the table, and, he was extremely pleased to note, a glass of Scotch already resting beside his plate.

"Hello, dear, how was your day?" he greeted, leaning down to kiss Dom's cheek as the staff members all stood from their chairs and Elijah headed to the empty seat at Billy's left.

"Rather brilliant, thank you very much," Dom replied, pulling Billy in by his tie for a longer, more demanding kiss. "Yours?"

Billy shrugged noncommittally and tucked his napkin into the collar of his shirt, reaching for the plate of bread rolls. "Not bad, I suppose. Do anything exciting?"

"Well, the public has a mixed reaction to the whole you being gay thing, it seems. Most people love you, the Tories hate you, but they've always hated you, and it appears that everything about me has been found out overnight. I nearly got mobbed when I went out of the gates; people had camped overnight and everything. Of course, you knew that." Dom grinned and buttered a couple of rolls, handing one to Billy and the other to Elijah. "Anyway, good job I like the attention. I went and bought a paper from our newsstand in Chelsea so I could say hello to Joe, and about an hour after that, the press caught wind of me being out and about and I have the feeling I was snapped eating lunch at the Slug and Lettuce - you know the one in Fenchurch street? People kept asking me to make a statement as well so we'll need to think about that before we do it, which needs to be soon."

"A statement? Elijah?"

"Well you'll have to say something," Elijah agreed. "It'll be all over the papers, won't do not to spin it."

"He's right. Better put a positive spin on it early out or else they'll eat you alive," a particularly morose looking middle-age man near the end of the table suggested.

"Right... who are you again?"

"Mitchell, Sir," the man replied with a sigh. "Your Director of Communications and Strategy."

"Ah, right then. Okay, we'll do that. No politics at the dinner table, though."

"Sir," Elijah sighed. "You're the Prime Minister. It's always politics."

"Oh." Billy frowned. "Well that's a shame, isn't it?"

Dom smiled fondly at Billy and squeezed his hand, making sure their legs were touching under the table. "He's adorable, Lij, isn't he?" Dom said, gazing at Billy.

"Yes, Dominic, he's adorable," Elijah consented with a roll of his eyes, getting out his Blackberry again and tapping at it with the little stick. "Right, Sir, fire away," he said, eating some salad left-handedly.

"Erm... well you are all the experts. I don't know what to say, other than that Dom's my husband and it's no one else's god-damned business who I spend my life with."

"Uh, well, strictly speaking that isn't true, Sir," Jennifer interrupted. "You see, gay marriage isn't legal in the UK."

"Yes, I'm aware of that," Billy said with a roll of his eyes. "Dom and I were married in Amsterdam for a reason, you know."

"Still, she has a point," Mitchell added. "Who you spend your life with is the business of the British people, just as everything in your life now is the business of the British people. You don't get to have a private life as Prime Minister."

Billy sighed and pressed two fingers to his temples, rubbing lightly. "Jesus. Already, I don't like you. Dom, love? Could you give my shoulders a teeny little rub? I'm dying here."

Dom stood up and glared at Mitchell and Jennifer, although they were obviously both right. They looked back down at the table rather than meeting his eyes, and Jennifer tapped her pen on the stack of papers in front of her in an obviously nervous gesture.

"It's all right, love," Dom said, bending down to speak directly into Billy's ear so that no-one else could listen in as he dug his hands into Billy's shoulders. "How about in ten minutes, your headache suddenly takes a turn for the worse?" he suggested, kissing Billy's temple. "We could ask for the rest of dinner to be brought up to our room and I could make it better, hm?"

Billy grinned and nodded, feeling better already, though he did his best to tamp down his expression and look annoyed as possible, so that the "headache" would be believable.

"All right, people. You're my fine, well-educated staff. What the hell do you suggest?"

"Obviously, you need to make a strong statement," Jennifer said.

"But at the same time, apologetic. Make sure it's clear you didn't want to offend anyone."

"Why am I apologizing again?" Billy asked.

"Because some people _aren't _going to like this, Sir. Especially those who voted for you. They'll feel cheated out of knowledge."

"I never lied. I omitted some details, but I never lied."

"Try telling them that," Mitchell muttered.

"All right, all right," Elijah broke in, putting the Blackberry back in his pocket to do a bit of damage control. "Let's not let our tempers get too high. Billy will make a strong statement, make it clear that Dom is an important part of his life and also that he found it irrelevant to the campaign, that he didn't want to mix personal and political because his personal life does _not_ affect his policy agenda. Billy believe strongly in gay rights and anti-discrimination legislation, just like the rest of his party, and this should come as no surprise to his supporters. His beliefs come from his convictions, not from who's sucking his cock, all right?"

The table fell silent, even Dom not able to think of anything to say to that, and after a moment Elijah blushed and took a bite of his chicken. "Um, yeah, well, maybe not quite in those words..."

After a further few seconds of silence, Dom grinned brightly and slapped the palm of his hand down on the table. "I like that!" he announced. "Even with the last bit. Adds a certain something."

Dom continued to smile as everyone else remained silent, before someone coughed and everyone started talking again.

"I like how they all assume I'm the one doing the cock-sucking," Dom said quietly as he leant over to Billy, raising his eyebrows and then sitting back up in his chair.

Billy turned red from his hairline to the tips of his toes and quickly glanced down at his plate.

"Um, so, how about the budget deficit..."

~*~

"Honey, I'm home!" Dom called teasingly as he shut the door of Number Ten, laughing when their butler appeared to take his coat. "Thank you, Albert," Dom said with a nod, keeping hold of the bag that he'd been carrying since he'd found some tat he fancied buying in Leicester Square.

"The Prime Minister is in his living quarters, Sir," Albert said, standing to one side so that Dom could get by.

A couple of minutes later, Dom reached the door to their living room, grinning happily as he opened it and saw Billy sitting in his glasses, frowning at a dossier of some sort. "Hello, sexy," Dom said, kicking the door shut with his foot. "Had a good day?"

"More of the same, I'm afraid... I knew I'd be working seventy hour weeks in this job but no one told me the people I'd be working with would be so_ tedious_," he sighed, patting his thigh and setting the folder to the side. "Here, baby. Come and sit with me. How was your day?"

"Wonderful, thank you," Dom said, moving to the drinks cabinet and pouring Billy a double scotch before going to sit down. "I love being your kept man." He grinned and handed Billy his drink then leant in to kiss him, hands running over his chest and undoing the buttons on his shirt.

"Mm, it is nice, isn't it?" Billy replied with a smile, kissing Dom slow and deep before taking a nice long sip of his drink. "Perfection."

"Very nice," Dom agreed, moving one of Billy's feet off the little stool it was resting on to pull it into his lap, beginning to knead the arch of it, pulling on the toes at the same time. "Do you want to see what I bought you today?"

"You bought me something?" Billy asked, genuinely surprised. "What is it, pet?"

"Nothing amazing," Dom replied, rummaging through the bag. "I managed to conceal my identity for long enough to purchase something to take your mind off the withdrawal of troops and whatnot." He winked at Billy and handed him a decent-sized volume of gay erotica. "I had a bit of a read during lunch and most of them seem to be about the sort of supremely pervy things you like," he added, grinning.

"Oh," Billy replied softly, his cock perking up in his trousers as he flipped through the book. He turned to press a kiss to Dom's neck and shifted the volume to his knee, looking up again when something fluttered out from the pages. "Dom? What on earth is this?" he asked, holding up the postcard with a grinning photo of Prince William's face.

"Oh, yeah, that!" Dom exclaimed, scratching his head and taking the postcard off Billy. "We're meeting him next week, remember? Thought it might be good to familiarize myself with him, you know?" He leered a bit, his eyebrows engaged in some bizarre dance.

"You little tart," Billy muttered affectionately. "You'd better be good; I don't want to be in hot water with the royals now do I? They're probably disdainful enough as it is."

"Oh, Bill, I'm always good," Dom said with a pout, throwing his leg over Billy so he was straddling him and shifting about until he was comfortable. "It's you that's a very bad boy, isn't it, now?" He bent down and licked Billy's neck, biting on it gently but nowhere near hard enough to mark. One did not let one's boyfriend give one a love bite before swanning off to meet the royal family. It just wasn't done. Especially if one was the prime minister.

"Oh," Billy moaned, "only just a little."

"Mmm," Dom murmured, pressing kisses over Billy's neck and throat, moving down onto his chest after his shirt and tie had been mostly removed. "What do you say to an early night then, Prime Minister?" Dom asked, nibbling Billy's Adam's apple.

"Well," Billy replied, pushing upwards into the heat of Dom's body, "I'd say that's a very good idea."

~*~

"All right, you're to meet the Princes at the Rose Room," Elijah explained as they rode in the back of a limousine to the brand new London restaurant. "You'll have lunch; it's just a formal thing for you to meet them, and they're not involved much in politics so you might as well at least pretend to enjoy yourselves."

"I have every intention of enjoying myself, Lij, don't you worry," Dom said, grinning as he slung his arm around Billy's waist.

"Don't do that," Elijah ordered, tapping Dom's hand. "It's not proper. If you want to be demonstrative, hold his hand or take his arm. People still aren't used to you."

Dom rolled his eyes and moved his arm away, offering his hand to Billy instead.

"It's all right, love," Billy murmured, raising Dom's hand to kiss it. "I'm sure they'll love you. They're princes, but they're still relatively young. They can't be quite as stodgy as their grandmother, can they?"

"They're still English," Elijah muttered under his breath, earning a smack from Dom as the car pulled up to the curb.

"Just remember who's paying to keep you in the country and who he's shagging, Elijah," Dom warned, stepping out of the limo when the door was opened and nearly falling back into it, half-blinded by the continual flashes from the cameras of the press. "God, they're like rats: fucking everywhere," Dom muttered even as he smiled and pulled Billy out of the limo. "I think I'm blind. Lij, you best stay in there, your retinas'll be burnt off with this lot and you can't afford any more damage to those baby blues of yours."

Of course, Elijah rolled said eyes and got out of the car anyway, escorting the two men into the restaurant which, at least, was completely cleared out since the Princes were there. The maitre d' led them to a table near the back, and Elijah went to take a seat with the small group of the royals' staff who were sitting a few tables away.

"Your Highnesses," Billy greeted, nodding to them both. He'd never been entirely comfortable with the ceremony of royal greetings, but then he'd never expected to be meeting the two Princes of Wales. Charles he'd already met, and so far liked his sons considerably better.

"Prime Minister," William returned. "Mr. Monaghan. Please, have a seat," he offered, gesturing to the chairs opposite.

"I hope we're not late," Billy replied as he sat. "My driver..."

Harry snorted and waved it off. "We all know we have no real choice who gets where when, Prime Minister. Not your fault."

Dom sat down opposite William and rested his chin in his hands, smiling coyly at the eldest prince. His legs were crossed under the table and he made sure that the end of his foot was touching William's knee.

"Have you, uh, have you got enough room, Mr. Monaghan?"

"Oh, I've got plenty, your Highness," Dom replied, throwing William a sly wink. "And please, call me Dominic. All my friends do."

Billy cast a suspicious look in Dom's direction, noting the blush creeping up on William's face, and gave his thigh a little warning squeeze under the table.

"So... erm... what's good here?"

"Hell if I know," Harry replied jovially. "I've never been. What do you drink, Prime Minister? Scotch?"

"Well yes, but I don't think..."

Harry grinned and waved off the protest, signaling the waiter who instantly appeared at their side. "We'll each take a glass of Glenfiddich, please, the oldest you've got. Dominic, is that all right?"

"Scotch would be absolutely wonderful, your Highness," Dom replied, raising his eyebrows at Billy. "I've become quite used to it over the past ten years, although I've always enjoyed cocktails myself." He shifted his gaze to William, resting his hand over Billy's at the same time. "Long slow screws in particular," Dom said, making sure to pause between words, locking his eyes with William's with a slow smirk.

"That's erm... what's in a long slow screw, exactly?" William asked, looking a little reluctant.

Dom opened his mouth to answer, but Billy cut him off. "Your Highness, I'm afraid I'm going to have to save you from yourself on that one. Dominic, stop embarrassing the Prince."

"Oh, no!" Harry objected, grinning. "Please, keep embarrassing the Prince. It's the most fun I've had all week!"

"Harry!" William hissed.

Dom just grinned and bit his thumbnail, sucking on the skin at the tip just slightly. "So, then," he said, putting his hands back on the table and leaning forwards, rubbing William's knee with his ankle. "It's been a while since I've seen you at Jak's, your Highness. The partying life not for you?"

"My, erm... my staff feels that it's best I stick to private parties as I start taking on a more public role," he explained, scooting his chair back just a touch in a guise of getting more comfortable.

"He's turned into a right boring sod," Harry interjected. "Not like he ever listened to his staff five years ago, mind."

"Well maybe if you listened to yours you'd be in less trouble," William countered, rolling his eyes at his brother.

"I'd rather be in trouble than a poor copy of father," Harry replied easily, nodding to the waiter who had returned with their bottle of Scotch and four tumblers. At that, William's face took on a sour expression, making him look distinctly like his grandfather.

"I don't think you're a poor copy of your father, your Highness," Dom said, reaching across the table and running his hand over William's. "For one thing, you've inherited your mother's stunning looks, haven't you?"

"Erm, thank you," William replied, looking as distinctly uncomfortable as Harry looked amused.

"I'm sorry, your Highness," Billy apologized. "Dom's a little... enthusiastic, sometimes."

"It's quite all right," William replied politely, though he took a rather impressive gulp of his Scotch when it was poured. "Shall we order a starter, then?"

"What shall we have, Bill?" Dom asked, turning back to his husband instead of flirting outrageously with the future king. "What were those things that Viggo made for that soiree the other day at home? You know with the, uh..." he made a vague hand motion to suggest the shape of the food. "With those things on the top of it."

"The crudités?" Billy asked. "Oh, no, I know what you mean. The lobster canapés. They had little savory cream puff tops," he explained to Harry and William, "and they were made with puff pastry. I don't know if we can get lobster canapés here, lad, but maybe something similar..."

"Oh, I'm sure we can," Harry disagreed, calling the waiter over again and speaking to him for a moment while William refreshed his Scotch. When the waiter walked away again, off to inform the chef that canapés were needed tout de suite, Harry turned back to his companions with a grin. "All sorted."

"Jesus. Maybe this job does have its perks," Billy realized.

"I'll say," Dom agreed, fixing William with a particularly laviscious look. William gulped, crossed his legs, and raised the Scotch to his lips.

~*~

"So you're here for five days, all right? Dominic, under no circumstances are you to embarrass yourself, the prime minister or the United Kingdom in _my_ country, are we clear?" Elijah looked up from his Blackberry and arched a threatening eyebrow, which made Dom laugh and hold his hands up.

"Whatever, Lij. We're in the Land of the Free, I can do whatever I like, right?"

"No, you cannot."

Elijah turned back to his Blackberry as Dom rolled his eyes then reached for Billy's hand, squeezing it gently. "What are you meeting her for, again?"

"She wants to discuss troop withdrawals. She's adamant that they at least end the war with multilateral support, so her administration is inviting all the major leaders individually to the White House to discuss the plan," Billy explained as the motorcade with little Union Jacks on their car sped from National to Pennsylvania Avenue. "Now remember what I told you. You'll be meeting the President and her husband. He's still Mr. President, even though he's not the president anymore. I know it's confusing, but that's the way they do it. I think they'll expect you to socialise with him or something while we're meeting, and we'll all be photographed by the White House press pool. There's going to be a press conference as well but you won't be involved in that."

"Right," Dom said, frowning as he concentrated on remembering to call the President's husband Mr. President and not Bill. "Lij? What's the initial reaction of the USA to our relationship? Google it on your whatjumacallit or something."

Elijah rolled his eyes and slid his Blackberry in his pocket, pointedly ignoring Dom's instruction. "The USA thinks you're all lunatics, Dom, but that hasn't changed any due to your relationship. The Christian Right hates you; the liberals love you, about the same as in your own country. But they've elected a female president and her numbers are decent going into midterm elections, so they're moving in a good direction at least."

"Elijah, did you vote for her?" Billy asked as the motorcade pulled up to one of the entrances to the West Wing.

"Damn straight I did. By absentee ballot."

"Well maybe that will get us some brownie points, at least."

"Billy, you're the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Respectfully, you don't need brownie points."

~*~

When they reached the Oval Office, Dom lurked behind Billy while he was formally introduced to the President.

"Lij," he hissed, "what the Hell am I supposed to do? And I'm wearing a suit again and I hate suits and why did I put on the stupid rainbow tie this morning?"

"You're supposed to shake the Presidents' hands, and then you're supposed to go with him to the mural room while Billy goes with her to the Oval. You're wearing a suit because you have to, so suck it up, and I do not for the love of God know why you put on the rainbow tie but it's too late to change now," Elijah hissed, just before Billy finished speaking to the Presidents Clinton and Hillary turned towards Dom.

"Mr. Monaghan," she greeted him, her eyes flicking briefly to his tie but then going neutral. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise, ma'am," Dom replied, affecting a 'proper' accent and shaking her hand, leaning forward to kiss her cheek.

She looked a bit surprised, but smiled and accepted the kiss, gesturing to her right. "This is my husband, of course."

"Please, call me Bill," the former President offered with a wink as he held his hand out. "Less confusing that way."

"Oh, I don't know," Dom said as he shook Bill's hand, "we could confuse you with my husband." He winked back and let go of Bill's hand with a squeeze. "Especially with you looking so good in a suit."

Billy shot Dom a warning look, but Bill just laughed. "Well thank you, Dominic. Okay if I call you Dominic? The mural room is right this way, there's tea for us if you'd like some and we can have a little chat while they talk politics, sound good?"

"Sounds fantastic," Dom replied, "and please do call me Dominic." He grinned and leant over to peck Billy on the cheek, giving his arse a sly pinch before wandering off. "See you in a bit, love," he called over his shoulder. "Elijah? You coming or have you got a room to go to as well?"

"Yeah, it's called the mental hospital," Elijah groaned, following the two to the mural room. "Mr. President, whatever he says, I apologize for in advance."

Bill laughed and shook his head as they entered the mural room. "I'm not the President anymore, Elijah, is it? That's my wife. I'm not easily offended. Please, both of you, have a seat. You're the Prime Minister's assistant, is that right?"

"Personal secretary," Elijah corrected.

"But you're from...?"

"Iowa. And then New York. I've been working for Billy for several years now."

"Don't plan on coming back?"

Elijah shrugged. "Maybe someday."

"He likes England too much, don't you, Lij? Lots of pretty girls in England."

"Lots of pretty girls in America, too," Bill said, smiling as a random support member brought a tray of various beverages over.

"Yeah, speaking of which, Bill," Dom said, sitting up and crossing his legs, "just so we're clear, I can sympathise with the whole blow job in the Oval office thing; Christ knows Billy and I have done it in the House of Commons more than once, but you know, she was _really_ unattractive."

Bill just stared, and Elijah smacked himself hard in the forehead with one hand, standing and walking over to inspect one of the murals. "Excuse me, I'm just going to go slit my throat now," he muttered.

"Um... well... that's all in the past now, son," Bill said, once he'd gotten over his inability to speak. "Hillary and I have worked it out between ourselves, and we're very happily married now; I've learned from my mistakes."

"Oh, well I recognise that," Dom said, nodding to the blushing assistant who offered to pour him tea. "She was just dog ugly. I mean, if you do something like that you do it properly, don't you? Like, you trade the car in for a younger model." He grinned and sipped his tea. "Don't know why you'd want to, though. It's dead sexy being married to someone powerful, isn't it?"

"Dominic," Elijah growled, wishing for some hard liquor. "Stop talking, or I will tell the Secret Service that you threatened to murder the President just now and I'm sure he'll back me up."

"It's all right, Elijah," Bill countered. "I'm sure Dominic's just... a little enthusiastic about being here. I suppose there are benefits to having a powerful wife, though my situation is a bit different than most."

Dom just grinned again and drank his tea. "I'll be good," he said. "Don't want to get punished now, do I?"

~*~

A couple of weeks later, back at Number Ten, Billy was having a good afternoon. He had successfully managed to avoid all the lurking international incidents Dom's public and private behaviour had caused, and he had a remarkably high approval rating for having done any number of things that one might expect to piss the British public off. Apparently, they were changing with the times after all.

Rounding a corner, Billy decided to take a shortcut through the kitchens, one that would get him upstairs and to his private quarters a bit more quickly. There, at least, he could relax with Dominic without having to worry about any pressing matters of state. What he found on the other side of the swinging metal door, however, gave him pause.

"Oh, fuck, Orlando, harder... oh... such a gorgeous fucking mouth on you, boy..."

Billy stood in the doorway, his eyes wide open, for a long moment as he watched one of his interns enthusiastically sucking the cock of the building's pastry chef. For that moment, Craig Parker's head remained tilted back in ecstasy, but then the spell was broken and he looked up, wide eyes meeting the Prime Minister's. His hand tightened in Orlando's curls, making as if to drag him away, but Billy shook his head sharply, stepping the rest of the way inside the room and placing himself at an ideal angle to watch.

"That's it, Orlando," he murmured. "Nice and slow..."

~*~

 

"Thank you, Albert," Dom said as the butler removed his coat for him upon his arrival back at Number Ten. For most of the day, Dom had been conducting interviews with a few select newspapers and radio programmes in order to raise his public profile at Elijah's urging. Really, all he wanted to do was get into bed, have Billy suck him off and fall asleep, not necessarily in that order, but there was business that needed to be attended to. Turning to Albert, his mouth open, Dom was cut off by the elderly man being able to predict what he was about to ask.

"The prime minister is in his study, Sir, with Mr. McKellen. I believe they are discussing the party's foreign policy, aided by a bottle of Famous Grouse. Or Glenfiddich, I am not certain."

"Thank you, Albert," Dom said again, "Any messages?"

"None, Sir."

"Right then. Goodnight, in that case."

"Goodnight, Sir."

Moving swiftly through the ground floor, Dom eventually reached the study that Billy used for entertaining members of parliament. Pressing his ear to the wood and attracting an odd look from one of the staff, Dom rolled his eyes when he heard raucous laughter from the other side.

"So when I was just starting out as a politician, Dom suggested that we go dancing. Well, I didn't want to...uh...what's the word? Damage, that's it - didn't want to damage my image so I said no and he said if we didn't go dancing, next time we were in public he'd drop to his knees and...you know..."

"He didn't!"

"He did!"

"What did you do to him? I would have tied the little cretin up and given him what for."

Dom glared as he remembered the incident and then pictured Billy's blush at Ian's suggestion and smirked. Dom did not get tied up.

"I went dancing, of course. Bastard sucked me off in the loos anyway."

At that, Dom decided to intervene. He opened the door without knocking and then slammed it, the noise startling the two men and cutting off their laughter.

"So, um, Iraq then, Prime Minister," Ian mumbled, 'hiding' his tumbler of scotch behind his chair and sheepishly pulling a stack of papers towards him.

Dom stared icily at the two of them, folding his arms as he leant back against the closed door. "I'll wait for the two of you to finish, shall I?"

"You know what, Ian?" Billy suggested. "Let's leave this until our next meeting. I have some things to attend to."

"Of course," Ian agreed, standing and shuffling his papers together. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Prime Minister."

"Certainly," Billy agreed, following a livid-looking Dominic out the door.

"I heard what you said in there," Dom said, folding his arms as his jaw tightened. "I'm just about sick of this, Billy. You badmouth me to your colleagues because you think it makes you look like some kind of hero and then you expect me to act as though everything's perfect?" Dom raised his voice a little, leaning forward into Billy's personal space. "Orlando Bloom told me something the other day, as well." Dom made a soft noise in the back of his throat and shook his head at the look on Billy's face. "Forget it, Billy. I suppose you didn't know we're friends?"

"I... well... no, I didn't," Billy replied, at a loss, his hands fisting and releasing behind his back at the staff pretended to be urgently needed in the doorways and in the case of one particularly ballsy maid, right in the middle of the hall.

"You could have just _told _me you like that sort of thing," Dom said, sighing and looking down. "I can't believe you did that. Not only did you disrespect yourself, but you disrespected the two of them and most of all, Billy, you disrespected _me_. I know I'm not particularly clever or handsome or powerful or rich but I_ am_ your husband and that should count for something, at least!"

"I'm... I'm sorry, love," Billy murmured, lowering his head. "It does count for something. It counts for a lot of things. And you are terribly, terribly handsome," he added, looking up through his lashes and trying a small smile.

"Oh, fuck off," Dom spat, turning on his heel and marching up the staircase, ignoring the shocked looks of the staff. He twisted his head to glare at Billy and then continued on up the stairs, his feet pounding on the thick carpet as he ran.

Giving the staff apologetic looks as best he could, Billy scampered after Dom like a lost puppy, hurrying behind him to their chambers. Once he reached their private suite, he locked the door behind him and turned to Dom again.

"I'm sorry..."

"Are you really?" Dom said, turning and pinning Billy against the door, his hands on either side of Billy's head. "See, I think..." he pulled Billy's tie, bringing his face within an inch of Dom's, "that you've been a very, _very_ naughty boy."

"Oh," Billy gasped, blushing even as his cock jumped in his trousers and he realised he wasn't in real trouble. Just the good kind. "I have, Sir. Very, very bad."

Dom smirked at Billy calling him 'sir'. Oh, he knew what to do, all right. "What do we do to naughty boys, William?" he asked, his lips moving over Billy's ear as he whispered into it, keeping hold of Billy's tie.

"Naughty boys get spanked, Sir," Billy recited in a return whisper, his hips trying in vain to press forward.

"They do indeed," Dom said, shrugging out of his jacket and then pressing his palm hard against Billy's crotch. "What else do naughty boys get?"

"Do naughty boys... get fucked, Sir?" Billy asked hopefully, pressing against Dom's hand to go with his overgrown puppy image.

"That's right. They do." Dom stepped away from Billy, folding his arms and regarding him with one eyebrow raised. "Strip for me."

"Yes, Sir," Billy agreed, scrambling out of his clothing as quickly as possible, a scene that would be quite comical to any outsider as he hopped around on one leg, trying to get his trousers off.

Rolling his eyes, Dom wandered around the room and shut all of the curtains before walking over to their bed and getting the essentials out: lubricant, handcuffs and a small paddle (which he wasn't actually going to use) and placing them on the mattress. "Over my knee or over the bed?" Dom asked, loosening his tie.

"Whatever's most comfortable for you," Billy replied, watching greedily as his normally doting and docile boyfriend took on a new, almost frightening persona. Oh, if only the tabloids knew about this, they'd have a field day.

"The bed, then," Dom replied with a smile that seemed somewhat out of place. He knew that Billy would want to go over his knee, but really, he did need punishing for being such a pervert. "Bend over, please."

"Yes, Sir," Billy replied demurely, bending over the foot of the bed and bracing himself on his arms. The position wasn't as nice as being over Dom's knee, true, but at least he could rub against the bed if he needed to.

"Now, William, I think you need to remember why you're getting punished." Dom moved to stand behind Billy, one hand moving constantly over his arse. "Tell me what those boys in the kitchen were like."

"The young one... Orlando, Sir, your friend... he was on his knees, sucking Parker's cock. He was very pretty, Sir, very pretty," Billy half-moaned, pressing back into Dom's hand.

"Prettier than me?" Dom demanded, grinning as he knew Billy was going to get spanked either way.

"No, Sir," Billy replied immediately, vigorously shaking his head. "You're the very prettiest, Sir."

"Liar," Dom muttered triumphantly into Billy's ear, his voice smooth as he brought his hand down on Billy's arse, hard. "Naughty boy..." he tutted, running his hand over Billy's cheeks again. "What are you?"

"I'm..." Billy faltered, not exactly sure what Dom was looking for. "A slut, Sir? A bad boy?"

"Yes, you are," Dom said, bending down and biting the small of Billy's back. "What did you do, in the kitchen? Did you tell them how to do it? Did you pull your prime minister card to get them to do as you said?"

"Fuck," Billy groaned. "A little, Sir," he admitted in a small voice. "They just... they didn't stop. I held up my hand and they didn't stop. I think they were a little afeart of me."

"Did you touch yourself?"

"Yes," Billy hissed, biting his lip. "I didn't touch them, though. Just me."

Dom growled and brought his hand down again in several hard smacks, not giving Billy chance to catch his breath in between them. "They better not have seen your cock, you wanton little bitch. That's for my eyes only, d'you understand?" He'd thickened his accent up as he knew Billy loved the fact that Dom was the nearest to 'a bit of rough' he'd ever had, despite the fact that Dom's family were reasonably well-off and more intelligent than most.

Billy moaned loudly, his cock pressing up against the bed as Dom spanked him. "No, Sir," he whimpered. "They didn't see, Sir. I stroked myself through my trousers, Sir, I know this is yours."

"You better bloody have," Dom muttered, giving Billy's hair a sharp tug, jerking his head backwards so that he was forced to look at Dom. "Have you got anything to say for yourself, whore?"

"I'm sorry, Sir," Billy whimpered, looking up into Dom's eyes. "I know I was a bad little slut, Sir, and I deserve to be punished."

Dom spanked Billy again, harder than he had previously. "This is going to hurt tomorrow, isn't it?" he asked with a grin. "You'll be in Parliament and wincing every time you stand up or sit down because I'm going to fuck you so hard you scream for me, Prime Minister, and that's a promise."

"Please," Billy begged. "Want everyone to wonder... want them to know that I'm your dirty little whore, baby, come on, oh God..." he rambled, squirming on the bed.

Smirking, Dom took a break from spanking Billy to slick two of his fingers up with lube, the tips of which he brought down to circle Billy's hole. "Tell me how much you want it," he demanded, "how much you want my cock."

"Please, baby... oh God... want you to fuck me, remind me who I belong to."

Again, Dom slapped Billy's arse and tutted at him, delighting in the redness of Billy's skin at the same time. "Tell me how much you want it," he repeated, letting his fingers drift back to the crease in between Billy's arse cheeks. "And this time, remember your fucking manners."

"Sorry, Sir!" Billy yelped. "_Please _fuck me, Sir. Need your cock. Please fuck your boy..."

"That's better," Dom said, sliding one finger into Billy and pressing it immediately against his prostate. "Did you come?" he asked, twisting his finger. "When you watched them, did you come?"

"I... oh! No, Sir. I didn't come until they left, Sir. I... told them to leave, when they were done. No one else was about."

"Glad to hear it," Dom muttered, adding another finger and twisting them both. "Did you come in your trousers, in the kitchen? The bathroom? Or did you wait until later? Did you come in my mouth? On the bed as I fucked you?"

"In the kitchen, Sir," Billy admitted, whimpering again. "I came in the kitchen and then went upstairs and changed my trousers before anyone would notice."

"Oh, you tart," Dom murmured, thrusting his fingers in and out in a steady rhythm for a couple of minutes, spanking Billy occasionally just to hear him cry out. Eventually, he withdrew his fingers and moved onto the bed, lying on his back, smirking at Billy who was still bent over the end of it. "Come up here, Prime Minister," he whispered, beckoning with both sets of fingers. "Knock yourself out."

"Oh, yes," Billy murmured, crawling up the bed in a fashion that would make a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model jump off the balcony with envy, and undoing the zip of Dom's trousers with his teeth as he unbuttoned his shirt with his fingers.

"Talented boy, you are," Dom complimented, pinching Billy's earlobe with his thumb and forefinger. "Come and sit on my cock then, talented boy. Put your hands next to the bars on the headboard."

Billy groaned happily and left Dom's shirt unbuttoned but on his shoulders, taking his cock out with one hand and moving up to straddle Dom's hips before lowering himself down.

"Oh!" he cried out, reaching for the headboard and moaning as he sank down lower. "Sir!"

"People will think _you're_ the one fucking _me_, what with all this 'sir' business," Dom muttered with a grin as he fiddled with the handcuffs, eventually managing to undo them and snap them around Billy's wrists, securing them to the headboard. "That'll teach you not to touch what doesn't belong to you."

Billy gasped and wiggled on Dom's cock, bouncing up and down without being asked even though it hurt a little. He loved these games they played, almost as much as he loved being one of the leaders of the free world.

"Oh, good boy," Dom gasped, arching his back and gripping Billy's hips with his hands. "_Very_ good boy." He danced the fingers of one hand up Billy's chest and then slid his index finger into Billy's mouth, grinning as he did so. "Show me what that pretty mouth can do."

Eagerly, Billy closed his lips around Dom's finger and sucked as artfully as he could manage while riding Dom's cock, scraping gently with his teeth and using his tongue to enhance the suction.

"Mmmmm. Oh, that's good," Dom gasped, withdrawing his finger and then pressing it against one of Billy's nipples, bucking his hips. "Hurry up," he ordered, wrapping his hand around Billy's cock.

"Yes, Sir," Billy replied, moving faster on Dom's cock to bring himself to orgasm. Closing his eyes, he thought about the night they'd found out he had been elected Prime Minister, and how Dom had ordered him to dress in his nicest suit, drop to his knees, and beg Dom to let him suck Dom's cock. He also thought about how Dom had bent him over his desk the first time they'd had a free moment at Number Ten, and how Dom spanked him that one time wearing nothing but a hot pink thong...

"Ahhh!" he cried out as he came, still moving eagerly up and down, all over Dom's hand.

Within seconds, Dom had come as well, moaning loudly and arching off the bed so hard he was practically sat up, his chest pressed against Billy's. He wrapped his arms around Billy's neck and panted, his lips moving over Billy's skin as he came down from his orgasm. "Learnt your lesson?" he asked eventually, biting gently at Billy's collarbone.

"Mmm. Yeah," Billy agreed happily. "Next time, invite you to watch."

~*~

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" Elijah screeched as he strode through the sitting room of Downing Street, the pages of _The Sun_ becoming increasingly more tattered in his iron-tight grip. "Letting him dress you up in a fucking schoolboy outfit and fucking tie you to the bed then letting him fucking fuck you while you were fucking standing up and, and, IN FRONT OF AN OPEN WINDOW? IN A FUCKING HOTEL? Fuck!"

Sitting in his armchair in the corner, Dom smirked in the knowing way that he had perfected over the past few years. "Lij," he said, "you've been living in the UK for a while now. Surely your range of swearwords has increased beyond that?"

"I swear to God!" Elijah shouted, tossing the paper to the floor as he stalked over to Dom's chair and put one hand on each arm, leaning over Dom's body and looking actually quite menacing. "I am going to fucking kill you!" he hissed before Billy finally decided he'd better intervene and hurried over, wrapping his arms around Elijah's waist from behind and pulling him away.

"Elijah, don't... just... tell me what I need to do, okay?" he requested, looking rather worried.

"What you need to do?? There's nothing you can do, Billy! There's no way you can spin this! It was a _schoolboy outfit_! Dom was fucking you in a _schoolboy outfit_! I'd like to take a paddle to your ass myself, you idiot!" he exclaimed, ripping himself out of Billy's grip and pacing to the other side of the room.

"Wouldn't mind watching that," Dom said with a grin, getting up and walking over to the window. He pulled back the curtain and then grinned even wider when the press went fucking wild, screaming his name and snapping pictures of his face. He flashed them a two-fingered salute and then turned back to Billy and Elijah, giggling. "You did look very sexy in your schoolboy outfit, though, Bill," Dom said, sliding into the seat next to Billy and wrapping his arm around his husband. "Very sexy indeed."

"Thank you," Billy muttered distractedly as Elijah started ranting about dysfunctional families and how Dom couldn't just _flip off_ the press. "But what do I _do_, love?" he whinged. "We're in so much trouble..."

"Bill," Dom said with a little sigh, turning to face Billy, taking both of his hands at the same time. "Resign."

"Really?" Billy asked, seeking Dom's eyes for permission as Elijah just stared at the two of them.

"Sweetheart, do you actually _like_ being Prime Minister?" Dom asked, cupping Billy's face in his large hands.

"Well..." Billy frowned, considering the question. "I like that you get to shove me over my desk and I can think about how we're on Downing Street, that really gets me off," he said with a childish grin as Elijah smacked his forehead against the wall. "And... I like that you call me Mr. Prime Minister when you spank me..."

"Jesus_ Christ_!" Elijah shouted.

"I don't like this politics stuff so much, though," Billy admitted with a frown. "I wish I'd known there was going to be so much of that when I took the job."

Dom grinned and touched his nose to Billy's, shaking his head fondly. "In that case, my love, trust me. Resign." He leant in to whisper into Billy's ear. "I'll still call you Mr. Prime Minister if you like, as well. Promise."

"Really?" Dom nodded, and Billy smiled brightly, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulder as he turned to Elijah. "Okay. Elijah, how do I resign?"

"I'm going to kill myself," the young secretary muttered as he left the room.

~*~

"Dom, are we poor now?" Billy asked with a frown as the limousine sped away from London, carrying Dom, Billy and Elijah in the back much as they had arrived a few months earlier. "I mean, I don't have any useable skills, really, and we have nowhere to live. Am I going to have to sell my body on the street?"

At that, Dom grinned widely and shook his head. "Bill, you hated being prime minister, didn't you?" After a moment's pause, Billy nodded. "And you didn't really want to do it anymore, did you?" Billy shook his head. "I don't like you being unhappy, love. So, I uh...had a word with an old friend. He's got a photography degree, don't you know. Anyway, after the photos were delivered, I spoke with the editors of the rags and myself and the editor of _The Sun_ came to an agreement." He paused and kissed Billy, still smiling. "We're fucking loaded, babe."

"You fucking planted those pictures?!" Elijah shouted, trying to dive across the seat to wring Dom's neck but thwarted by his seatbelt. "What the fuck is_ wrong_ with you??? Maybe _you're_ loaded, but I haven't got a fucking job, you sick fuck."

"Hey!" Billy exclaimed with a frown. "He's not sick! He's my husband."

"Aw, Lij, I made sure we had plenty of money to take care of you!" Dom exclaimed. "I've bought us a little cottage in Suffolk; dead near the beach and you can get back to London inside two hours. And besides," he said, smirking slightly, "now that Craig and Orlando aren't around, someone's going to have to take over his pretty-boy fixation." He jerked his head in Billy's direction, who rolled his eyes. "On your knees, then, pretty boy."

Elijah raised an eyebrow at Dom, and then looked at Billy for a moment, seemingly thinking. Then he sighed, loosened his tie, and sat back in his seat. "I think I'd rather have Billy on _his_ knees, actually."

"Oh," Billy gasped, as he realised both men were staring at him like they'd been starving for days and he was a four-course meal. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he sank to the floor of the car and turned on his knees to face them, clasping his hands behind his back. "What can I do for you, sirs?"


End file.
